Start with what you can see
A five-year-old who tips the pencils onto the floor is not giving you a neat explanation of what went wrong. The behaviour is the part you can see. Your job is to respond to that behaviour and stay curious about what made the moment hard.
For some adopted, looked-after and previously looked-after children, earlier experiences may affect trust, separation, change, relationships and their sense of safety. But history should never become a shortcut explanation for everything a child does.
What might sit underneath what staff see
There is rarely one meaning behind a behaviour. The examples below are prompts for adult thinking, not labels to put on children.
“She won’t come in.”
Is separation hard today? Has the adult, entrance or routine changed? Is something later in the day worrying her? Start by helping her through the next small step rather than demanding an explanation at the door.
“He’s refusing the work.”
Check the task as well as the behaviour. Does he know how to start? Is he worried about getting it wrong? Is the page too much? Is he already overloaded? The boundary can remain while the adult makes the task feel possible.
“She was fine all day.”
She may well have looked fine. Ask what “fine” looked like: joining in, talking, eating, playing and asking for help — or staying very quiet, compliant and watchful. Then compare that with what home sees afterwards.
“He just wants attention.”
Children do need adult attention and connection. The useful question is how to give predictable, appropriate connection while teaching safer ways to ask for help.
PACE: a way of being with a child, not four techniques
PACE stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy. It comes from Dan Hughes’ attachment-focused work. In a primary classroom, it is most useful as an adult stance rather than a script.
| Element | What that can look like in primary school |
|---|---|
| Playfulness | Warmth and lightness when the child can receive it. Not jokes during distress, and never humour at the child’s expense. |
| Acceptance | “It’s okay to be cross. It isn’t okay to hit.” The feeling is accepted; the safety boundary stays. |
| Curiosity | Adults wonder rather than interrogate. With younger children, that often means watching the pattern themselves instead of asking repeated “why?” questions. |
| Empathy | “That was really hard.” Understanding the child’s experience does not mean removing expectations or consequences. |
Make safety predictable in ordinary classroom moments
The Secure Base Model offers a useful way to think about relationships and belonging. You do not need a special intervention slot. Look at what the child experiences across an ordinary school day.
| Think about… | In practice |
|---|---|
| Availability | Does the child know which adult will notice them at the door, after lunch or when something goes wrong? |
| Sensitivity | Do adults notice the child going quiet, hovering, rushing, clowning or becoming rigid before behaviour escalates? |
| Acceptance | Can an adult correct the behaviour while making it clear the relationship is still intact? |
| Cooperation | Can the child have small, appropriate choices — where to start, which pencil, whether to talk now or later — without adults handing over the boundary? |
| Belonging | What repeatedly tells this child: you are expected here, known here and part of this class? |
Five shifts you can use on Monday morning
- Name what you see. “Your hands are tight and the page has gone away.” Avoid deciding the motive out loud.
- Use fewer words when the child has fewer resources. “I’m here. First, sit with me.” The explanation can wait.
- Make change visible. For a child who finds uncertainty hard, show them what is different and what is staying the same.
- Reconnect after correction. A warm greeting at the next lesson or activity can communicate: the boundary mattered, and you still belong here.
- Compare patterns with home. Ask what parents and carers notice after particular days, lessons or transitions.
“Why did you do that?”
“That was hard. I’m here. Let’s get you settled first.”
“What happened just before you got dysregulated?”
“Show me where it got tricky.” Or use toys, pictures, drawing or your own observations rather than expecting a verbal explanation.
Home sees parts of the day school cannot
Parents and carers may see the recovery period, sleep, morning separation, changes in eating, repeated worries or the effect of particular school days. School sees learning, friendships, transitions and behaviour in a different setting. Neither view is automatically the complete picture.
Then compare it with something concrete from the school day.
Avoid making the parent prove that the child is struggling at school. Equally, avoid assuming every difficult evening must have been caused by school. The useful work is in comparing patterns.
Keep the relational lens — and keep good teaching
Understanding context does not replace clear routines, explicit teaching of behaviour, high expectations, SEND support or safeguarding. It helps adults choose and adapt those things more intelligently for the child in front of them.
EEF behaviour guidance supports knowing and understanding pupils, strong adult–pupil relationships, explicit teaching of learning behaviours, targeted approaches where needed and consistent whole-school practice. That sits comfortably alongside a care-experience-aware relational lens; it does not require schools to become therapeutic settings.
This is an educational practice guide, not a clinical assessment tool. If behaviour raises safeguarding, developmental, SEND or mental-health concerns, follow the relevant school procedures and seek appropriate professional support.
Don’t train staff to “manage behaviour” better if they still don’t understand what they’re looking at.
Braythorpe helps schools build more confident, care-experience-aware, relational practice around behaviour, regulation and felt safety.
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If this guide has helped but your situation doesn’t fit neatly into a page, send me an email. Tell me what’s happening and I’ll point you towards the most useful next step.